Current mood:

gloomy

>>> vent <<<
Man, I really wish I could stop kicking my own ass about moving back to Michigan. I've been pretty depressed since I got here. Depressed, totally broke, leeching off my parents like a goddamn bum, and the weather is killing my mood.

I was really proud of myself for getting out of Michigan four years ago, and moving to San Francisco, and making a decent life for myself there. I really fucked up after getting laid-off. I thought I could be patient enough to get another good job (ie: paying well and doing something that utilized my true talents), as I had for a while there, but I should have been looking for a job. I got so low on money that when the time came that I found out that the place I was going to crash at in LA fell through (I found this out as I was moving out of SF), I didn't have enough money left to pay to stay anywhere, and no home left in SF. I tried to ask my roommates to let me stay, but earlier that day they'd given the okay to the new girl, and it would've been unfair to her to do that. Arghhh. I should have at least found a sublet or something. I mean, I feel like shit that I'm relying on my parents again, but if I had to do that, it would have been a lot more productive to do rely on them for sublet money in California while I found a job. God knows there's no jobs in Michigan right now. I'm just bleeding them dry. Just like I always used to. Back to square one again. I got a late start, compared to my peers, in terms of taking care of myself and making my own money. I got a lot of shit for it too, from certain people. I understand that I didn't have the same circumstances as most people. My family was a lot better off then, financially. Now that I'm back to leeching again, this time because I'm broke and desperate, I feel awful, embarrassed, and like a big failure.

I just really need to get back to California. I know it sounds whiny, but the winter really makes me depressed. I need to be able to go outside on walks. I hate having icy roads keeping me inside. I spun out on the freeway the other day and did a 360, and thought I was going to die. I never have shit like that happen in Cali. Plus, the shitty roads here are hell on my tight suspension.

Plus, I'm lonely here. Most of my friends are in California. I drove across the states with Dawon in October with the intent that we were moving to LA together. Now I'm stuck here and she's in the sunshine and I can't hang out with her. My friends here are usually too busy. I've spent most of my time inside, staying up until 8am every night, playing hours and hours of Fallout 3 (not a very cheery game either). I've gotten some art done, but for how much I wanted free time when I was working, if I have nothing but free time, I tend to have a hard time focusing. I've been in the mood to meet a new girl lately. I miss the feeling of being in a relationship. ...but there's no point in wishing for that here. No one of my type around the Midwest, really, and anything like that would just lock me down too much. I really wouldn't mind just getting laid, in all honesty, just to make my life a little less boring... Wish I had a booty call, haha. (It's only been 5 months, but that's the longest I've gone without it since becoming sexually active.) Gahh, TMI maybe, and a tad tacky. Anyway, I'm rambling.

On one hand, there are nice aspects of being home again. I get along fine with my parents, and there's some nice kitties here (which I'm allergic to), and I have a big room with no worry of annoying neighbors, but at the same time, my brain is rotting..... I went from living in the state that, during this crappy economy, arguably is in the best condition in the US, to the state with the worst economy and highest unemployment rate.

I really just wish I had a friend in LA that I could stay with for a couple weeks while I find a job, and then find an apartment. The two really good friends I have there (Dawon and Anthony), are staying with family, and I can't stay there, and my other friends in LA are people I don't feel like I know well enough to ask that kind of favor of. I also just wish I could get another job soon. Honestly, I most wish I could just move back to San Francisco, as I miss it greatly, but I should probably try LA first.

I just need to get out of here!!

Sorry for the crappy tone of this post. Sometimes it helps for me to get vile thoughts out of my head, and onto the keyboard.